Friday, April 27, 2007

God's Plans

God's plans for my life are unclear at this time. I know that there are things that He wants me to do. I am willing to do them. After all I am just an empty vessel without Him. But sometimes He says "wait". It is in that time of waiting that you start to wonder. "Is this really what God wants me to do?" If this is something He wants me to do then why can't I do it now? We as human beings can be so impatient. But I am sorry I am not praying for patience right now. It seems like everytime I do that something drastic happens and then I am left wondering why. Then I remember! AAAHH, I prayed for patience and now my son is trying my patience. I wouldn't say I am an impatient person but sometimes it hits me pretty hard. I think at this time I just need to step back and take a look at myself. I think I am going to have to pull myself out of ministry for a while. I am not where I need to be at this time and I need to spend more time with God. Wow, I don't know why I just told you that. I don't know you and you could probably care less about me and my situation. This blog was not meant for confession. I am not catholic. Sorry! :o( Maybe that is what God is trying to get me to do. Stop and just talk to Him and listen to Him for a while. I think at this time I should just sit at His feet and learn. And so from today till He calls me to work again that is what I am going to do.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Days off

I think I worried my husband yesterday. Yesterday was my day off and so that is what I chose to do was to actually have a day OFF. I went and did my workout like normal and went and visited an old friend. It started off a normal everyday kind of day for me. Then I decided that I wanted to do NOTHING. And for me, my days off are usually spent cleaning the house and getting things ready like laundry for the week. That sort of thing. But not yesterday. I actually took the day off. My husband and I went and picked up the kids and then we all went grocery shopping. And if you have two small children, you know that them and the grocery store really don't mix well. Every aisle you go down you hear "Mom can we have" "Mom can we buy". I really hate to tell my kids no. I want them to have things they want but sometimes you have to say no. And during the whole grocery trip it felt like I was saying no every 2 minutes. I was really starting to hate hearing that word come out of my mouth. Well, the trip finally ended and we came home. After several minutes of me putting away the groceries and one kid runing in and out of the house and the other asking questions about homework I finally sat down. I sat down and put my feet up and took out my note pad and began to write. Nothing particularly interesting but just a few question that were floating in my head.
1. What do I like about myself?
2. What do I not like about myself?
3. What can I do to change what I don't like?
4. How much time each day does God get from me?
5. How much time each day does my husband and kids get from me?
6. Have I lost my "kid at heart" status?
7. If yes, then When did I lose it?

Those are just some of the questions. After I wrote them all day I just sat there thinking about each one. The kids were outside in the backyard playing with friends so it was very quiet in the house. I love the peace and quiet of my home. While sitting there not coming up with any answers to those questions I realized that I was doing exactly what God wanted me to do at that time. There was this sense of peace about me and just sitting there for one hour gave me rest. A rest that felt like nothing before. I am thankful for a God that can show you peace and comfort in times when you didn't even know you needed it.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Growing

How do you know when you are growing? Will it actually be painful? When I was younger I always heard my mother saying you are just having "growing pains". Are those true? And if they are is your spiritual growth going to be painful as well? I know that there are somethings that you must go through but does it all have to hurt? How do you know if the pain you are feeling is from growth or just something stupid that you have done that you shouldn't have? Lots and lots of questions. I was always told there is no such thing as a stupid question. I am hoping that one of these didn't break that rule. LOL :o)

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Being Angry

When my husband and I first meet 10 years ago. There were a few people who thought that we should not be together. Well, my boyfriend at the time (which is now my husband) decided that he had gotten his confirmation from God and we got married without the consent of two people who I thought were the most important people to him. Well, one person came to the wedding and the other didn't. To me that was selfish and just down right spiteful. I have held my peace for 10 years and it has come to me that I am angry. It has taken me 10 years to figure that out. I AM ANGRY! I AM ANGRY! Why would someone who says they love you and only wants what is best for you simply turn his back on you? Which is what "John" did to my husband. I have been reading my sister-in-laws blog and she has been talking about "perfect love". I don't have that and I am not sure that "John" has it either. And because I said that my sis-in-law will probably be writing me an email. :o) And that's ok. But I have been reading about David and he was angry. David was a man after God's own Heart. If he can be angry why can't I. I can be angry and sin not. I have been nothing but kind to "John" these past 10 years and I will remain that way. But I am still angry with him for what he has done to my husband. He hasn't said he was sorry or that He was wrong. "Jane" on the other hand has said that she was wrong and that I have been very good for my husband and for that I am not angry with her. I hold no resentment towards her. I love her with all my heart and pray for her daily. I want only good things for her. And if that means praying for "John" then I will. "Perfect Love", I believe, takes time. I am praying for that Love so that I can let go of this anger. I know that one day I will be able to let go, and love those who despise me, but it will take a while.