Lacking

Throughout this holiday weekend I have found out a few things about myself. I have found myself lacking in an area of my life that really needs work. Patience is the ability to bear trials without grumbling. I am also told that patience is a virtue. I find myself lacking THAT particular virtue.
James 1:3 "Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience."

I have this feeling that my faith will be tried. I realized that I don't have much patience when it comes to my children. I came to this realization at the gas station, of all places. I had asked my son to do something for me. He is 8 and gets very distracted sometimes. I know this yet every time he gets that way it irritates me. I find myself asking him why he can't follow my simple instructions. I also realize that I call him and his sister "crackhead" a lot. I don't know why and I don't know where I picked it up at. I am pretty sure that I heard my sister saying it but not quite certain of that. I am not blaming her for it. I can choose whether to use it or not. At the gas station I found myself calling my son that and yelling at him because he couldn't follow my simple instructions. I also did not concern myself with the fact that I had an audience of several people. I am ashamed of myself and feel like I am not a good mother to my children. My husband, son and myself were on our way to my in-laws house on Saturday. I found myself crying the whole way there. My husband assumed it was because I didn't want to go to his parents house but that is a whole other story. But what it was is that my HEART was BREAKING!! I couldn't handle the fact that I would deliberately HURT someone I loved that way. I reminded myself of my own earthly father. I don't want to be known like him! I want to be known like my Heavenly Father. Full of love and compassion for all. I need patience when it comes to my children. I expect a lot out of them. I don't know why. They are only 11 and 8. They can't be expected to know and do everything PERFECT. I just need to keep reminding myself that.

So, Father God I am officially asking for patience with my children. I know that the trying of my faith develops patience. I know that it is going to be hard but I also know that You don't place more on us than we can handle. I know that You will put on me what I need, and I know that You will be patient with me to help me through it. Help my Lord to know You more and to show Your love to my children and all those around me. Continue to work in my heart and life as You have been. Keep us in Your kind and loving hands. I ask all this in Your Precious and Holy Name. AMEN

God's Presence

I can not begin to tell you how wonderful our Sunday Worship service was at church. God was there! I say that because since moving to the San Antonio area, we have been to a LOT of churches trying to find the one that God wants us to be a part of. I believe that this is the church that God's wants us to attend, and I believe He confirmed that by sending His presence to dwell among us on Sunday morning. I don't even remember what songs we sang. All I remember is pouring my heart out to God and asking His forgiveness, because I have failed in sooo many areas that I am totally surprised and in awe that He would touch me the way He did Sunday. He began a work in me on Sunday and I am working really hard to keep that going throughout this week.

Knowledge

My husband is a very smart man. I wish sometimes I had that kind of head knowledge. I would love to sit down with people and chat about science and the theory of relativity but that just does not interest me. I am more of a practical smarts type person. Going off that, I don't know God as well as I should. I should read His word but don't. I don't know why. I love to read. I guess this is just something I must ponder on throughout my day and see what happens.

I can see the Sun!

You know how after a storm there are still clouds. Well, the torrential rain and never ending wind that has seemed to buffet me over the past month seems to be gone. There are still clouds, still a possible chance of a storm. But, off in the distance I can see the beginning rays of the sun. I know that things will be okay. I Know that God has supplied and will continue to supply all my needs according to His riches in Glory. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that things are turning around and will get better all for His glory. All I need to do is to ALWAYS remember to say thank you and to humble myself before Him everyday. I KNOW my Redeemer lives! I KNOW who is in charge of my days! I KNOW who has only good planned for me. His Name is JESUS!!! My wonderful councelor, my friend. JESUS

STORMS!!

There is a song called "Praise you in the Storm". I don't know if you have heard it but it has become my theme this past couple of months. Some of the lyrics are

I will praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
because of who you are
no matter where I am
And every tear I cry
You hold in your hand
you never left my side
though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

There has been a mighty storm blowing in our lives this past year. I feel like one of the disciples on the boat telling the Master "don't you care that we parish". I know that He cares and that He is there but a little help would be nice. I have never lost my faith that God would come through but I am slowly losing hope. And I know that without hope there is nothing. I don't want to lose hope. Please keep us in your prayers.

Wow!!

I have not been myself here lately. That in itself is driving me and everyone around me crazy. I really am unhappy. I don't think it is depression, but how would I know. Everyone who is depressed always says they aren't. I probably wouldn't notice even if it bit me in the behind. I am MAD!!! I know that for certain. There are things going on in my head and I don't feel like I can discuss them with any of the people around me. They just keep saying we need to wait, be patient. I am TIRED of being patient. I am TIRED of waiting. I know that God's timing is never ours but you would think that He moved us for a reason at that particular time for something. But I have yet to find out what that something is. I guess you could say that this blog posting is nothing but a rant! And that is ok. Sometimes you just need to get somethings off your chest. Well, I still haven't done that yet but I don't feel like I would be accomplishing anything by doing that. So I guess I will leave it at this for now.

New

I posted last time that we were moving. Well, we did and it is good but not like we had hoped. Money is gone and finding a job has taken a lot longer than we had planned. At least for this month we have a roof over our heads. I have found a job and my first day was today. I have this feeling that even if I don't like it I am going to have to stick with it, because we can't afford for me not too. I am Scared. I am trying my hardest to not let anyone see that. I don't want my husband and kids to see that mom's faith at this point is SHAKEN. I know how holds my tomorrow and I know who holds my hand. Everything in me is screaming to just hold on but my head is having a hard time catching on to that. I need to read a few more verses on faith.
I BELIEVE LORD, HELP MY UNBELIEF.

Moving

Well, my family and I are moving to San Antonio. We are all anxious and ready to go. We are moving because we feel God is asking us to go there. I have no idea what is in store for us but I do know that if God is in it then it has to be good. I love the fact that I have a husband that is God fearing and willing to do what God asks. My husband is the light of my life. I couldn't imagine my life with out him.

More thoughts to Ponder

Tell me, how can I How can I love Jesus when I've never seen His face? Yet I see you dying and I turn and walk away.

This is an excerpt from one of my favorite songs. The song is called "Lean on Me" by Christal Lewis.

I never really listened before but after I heard it today I got to thinking how often do we as Christians do that. Or proclaim to Love God with all that is within us but our neighbor who is just lonely but seems very unfriendly we don't even say "Hi" to when we see them outside. I admit I am guilty. What would God say to me about this matter? I believe God speaks to each one of us in a unique and special way. Something He says to me doesn't nesscarily mean He wants me to tell others to do the same thing. But I do believe that He wants the same from all of us and that is to Love Him and show His love to others. That is my goal.

Storms!

I put a quote in my post last week that I have been pondering. The past 3 weeks or so at work everyone has been sick. I work at a daycare and my husband calls it a germ factory. Well, I went to the doctor last thursday because I was not feeling well at all. Come to find out that my White Blood Cell Count is too low so my body is not fighting off any infections that I may come in contact with. This has resulted in me feeling run down and just plain blah! I am getting better but it is a slow process. I think I did too much on Saturday though because I was completely zapped of energy. Through this whole mess of being sick and run down I have felt this peace about it all. There is a massive storm raging all around me of people being sick but I am peaceful. I am not worried about what the test may say this week. I know that God has me in His hands and He is in control of the situation. It is good to feel this way. Sometimes I take that for granted. I am always running around trying to fix things. Sometimes I just need to stop and say "Ok God, it is yours." He always seems to do a better job of it than I ever could. Makes you stand in wonder and amazement at how mighty and awesome He really is.

Storms

I was reading a post today and came across this. I thought it was good so I thought I would share it.

Sometimes God calms the storm ... Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms the child.
Author Unknown

What to do?

Have you ever found yourself at a time in your life where everything seems not bad but not exceptionally good either? I am Blessed. I have a marriage that is filled with love and kind words. Never is there an argument. I have 2 children that are healthy and have been since the day they were born. I love them to death no matter what they do or get themselves into. So, I don't know why I feel the way that I do. I was talking with my husband the other night and letting him know everything that I was feeling. I just feel "lost". In my mind I can see myself standing and all around me I see land and nothing else. No people, no animals just nothing. I don't even seem to be able to find God. I know that He is there. He said in His word He would never leave us or forsake us. I believe that with all my heart. I heard a preacher say once that if we don't see God then think of the last time that you saw Him and see if you left Him behind or if He turned wanting you to follow and you didn't. I am trying that but still nothing. What to do?