Wow!!

I have not been myself here lately. That in itself is driving me and everyone around me crazy. I really am unhappy. I don't think it is depression, but how would I know. Everyone who is depressed always says they aren't. I probably wouldn't notice even if it bit me in the behind. I am MAD!!! I know that for certain. There are things going on in my head and I don't feel like I can discuss them with any of the people around me. They just keep saying we need to wait, be patient. I am TIRED of being patient. I am TIRED of waiting. I know that God's timing is never ours but you would think that He moved us for a reason at that particular time for something. But I have yet to find out what that something is. I guess you could say that this blog posting is nothing but a rant! And that is ok. Sometimes you just need to get somethings off your chest. Well, I still haven't done that yet but I don't feel like I would be accomplishing anything by doing that. So I guess I will leave it at this for now.

New

I posted last time that we were moving. Well, we did and it is good but not like we had hoped. Money is gone and finding a job has taken a lot longer than we had planned. At least for this month we have a roof over our heads. I have found a job and my first day was today. I have this feeling that even if I don't like it I am going to have to stick with it, because we can't afford for me not too. I am Scared. I am trying my hardest to not let anyone see that. I don't want my husband and kids to see that mom's faith at this point is SHAKEN. I know how holds my tomorrow and I know who holds my hand. Everything in me is screaming to just hold on but my head is having a hard time catching on to that. I need to read a few more verses on faith.
I BELIEVE LORD, HELP MY UNBELIEF.

Moving

Well, my family and I are moving to San Antonio. We are all anxious and ready to go. We are moving because we feel God is asking us to go there. I have no idea what is in store for us but I do know that if God is in it then it has to be good. I love the fact that I have a husband that is God fearing and willing to do what God asks. My husband is the light of my life. I couldn't imagine my life with out him.

More thoughts to Ponder

Tell me, how can I How can I love Jesus when I've never seen His face? Yet I see you dying and I turn and walk away.

This is an excerpt from one of my favorite songs. The song is called "Lean on Me" by Christal Lewis.

I never really listened before but after I heard it today I got to thinking how often do we as Christians do that. Or proclaim to Love God with all that is within us but our neighbor who is just lonely but seems very unfriendly we don't even say "Hi" to when we see them outside. I admit I am guilty. What would God say to me about this matter? I believe God speaks to each one of us in a unique and special way. Something He says to me doesn't nesscarily mean He wants me to tell others to do the same thing. But I do believe that He wants the same from all of us and that is to Love Him and show His love to others. That is my goal.

Storms!

I put a quote in my post last week that I have been pondering. The past 3 weeks or so at work everyone has been sick. I work at a daycare and my husband calls it a germ factory. Well, I went to the doctor last thursday because I was not feeling well at all. Come to find out that my White Blood Cell Count is too low so my body is not fighting off any infections that I may come in contact with. This has resulted in me feeling run down and just plain blah! I am getting better but it is a slow process. I think I did too much on Saturday though because I was completely zapped of energy. Through this whole mess of being sick and run down I have felt this peace about it all. There is a massive storm raging all around me of people being sick but I am peaceful. I am not worried about what the test may say this week. I know that God has me in His hands and He is in control of the situation. It is good to feel this way. Sometimes I take that for granted. I am always running around trying to fix things. Sometimes I just need to stop and say "Ok God, it is yours." He always seems to do a better job of it than I ever could. Makes you stand in wonder and amazement at how mighty and awesome He really is.

Storms

I was reading a post today and came across this. I thought it was good so I thought I would share it.

Sometimes God calms the storm ... Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms the child.
Author Unknown

What to do?

Have you ever found yourself at a time in your life where everything seems not bad but not exceptionally good either? I am Blessed. I have a marriage that is filled with love and kind words. Never is there an argument. I have 2 children that are healthy and have been since the day they were born. I love them to death no matter what they do or get themselves into. So, I don't know why I feel the way that I do. I was talking with my husband the other night and letting him know everything that I was feeling. I just feel "lost". In my mind I can see myself standing and all around me I see land and nothing else. No people, no animals just nothing. I don't even seem to be able to find God. I know that He is there. He said in His word He would never leave us or forsake us. I believe that with all my heart. I heard a preacher say once that if we don't see God then think of the last time that you saw Him and see if you left Him behind or if He turned wanting you to follow and you didn't. I am trying that but still nothing. What to do?

Dribble

If you are thirsty what do you do? I go to the kitchen get my cup, put some ice in it and then put some form of liquid in it. Now, let's speak of the spiritual nature. If you are thirsty what do you do? I have been thirsty for a while now and everything I am doing does not seem to work. I am reading even though it seems to be a chore. Praying doesn't seem to be doing it either. I seem lost in a world where everyone knows where they are going and how they are going to get there. I don't know what I need, where to go, or what to do. I will figure it out with God's help. Nothing is impossible with God.

Me

I am nothing. I realize that this world does not revolve around me. No one really cares what I think. They ask just to be polite. And to be truthfull, I am okay with that. It keeps one humble, so to speak. I can't help but think, what God must see when He looks down at me. I am nothing special. I am cracked and broken. I have so many flaws that not even a drop of water will I hold. How can I help the thirsty in this world if I myself am thirsty. I don't even know if I remember how to worship with my whole heart. I assume it is like riding a bike, but I don't know. I guess I will find out this evening.

Long Time

I got to looking and I have not posted anything in a very very very long time. I got to thinking that I haven't really spent anytime with God in a very very very long time either. Then I remembered something I said in a previous blog. To make a marriage work you need to spend time fine tuning it and making sure that you spend time talking and things like that. The same can be said with a relationship with God. You must make time. God will not force you. You have free will and God will not take over that. It is your chose whether you make the time or not. I here recently have not made that chose. I don't know what my deal is. I really enjoy time with God. But, here lately I have decided that life is just too complicated and I really don't have time. Then I got to thinking, what if God said "You know I really don't have time right now. I have all these other things to do." What kind of predicament would I be in then. There are some things that I need to change and this weekend seems like a good time for that. Actually a month ago seemed like a good time for that. I am just a month behind i suppose.

Who knows

I find myself being pulled in many directions right now. I know that part of the reason is because I have not spent the time I know I need to in prayer. Reading the Word is no problem, but I find myself at a loss for words when it comes to prayer. I have ceased praying for myself. I have people that are always praying for me and that is great and I love it. It takes a special kind of person to put aside everything that I know is going on in their lives to pray for others. I have come to a place of consistency. That is good in a way but bad in others. I love the work I do. I work at a christian preschool as a teacher. It is great work, but I find myself being pulled away from my husband and children. I hate that part. This job is taking about 12 hours of my day, that leaves 8 hours for sleeping, about 2 hours with my kids and 2 hours with my husband. I could cut out the sleeping but then what good would I be. I good Godly marriage takes time, I feel like I am lacking in that area. I was home sick on Friday and when my kids got off the bus they saw my car in the driveway and immediately started howlering "Mom's home, Mom's home". Made me stop and think about a few things. Who knows how this will turn out. I will trust God in ALL THINGS!

Thanksgiving 2007

I just wanted to say to all Happy Thanksgiving. This is my last thanksgiving in my 20's. In 5 days I turn 30. I am not sure if I like that thought or not. I am thankful that God has giving me nearly 30 years on this earth. I am praying for at least 30 more. I was happy to be turning 30 but now I am not so sure. I have this feeling that I am not where I should be but I do know that I am doing what God wants me to right now. Wow! I think I just confused myself. And so it begins. :o) Oh well.

Church

At our church we have three services. But it isn't the usual three like others. We have a Sunday morning, a wednesday night, and a saturday night. Sunday morning and Saturday night are preaching and alter calls and a POWERFUL worship service. Wednesday is a indepth bible study. I said all that to say this. :o) Last night I went to church after 2 weeks of not going. There has been this sickness going on thru the house and I think we are all just about over it. But last night I was sitting there and one of our members from the worship team came over and started talking to me. I felt it was kind of strange at first considering that she has a broken foot. But she came over and started talking to me and was asking me what was wrong. So I told her about all the sickness that we were going thru and how I am just sooo tired of being sick. I just don't have the energy to do the things that I think need to be done. She just looked and me and said to me the simpliest of phrases. I have heard it before but for some reason it really hit home. She said, " Just worship and give it all to God." We still had a few minutes before church started so I sat there and began to tell God ( as if He didn't already know) what I was feeling and how tired I was. The music for the service began to play and all the songs were about how wonderful and mighty God is. How Holy He is. I just began to sing "Holy" over and over again. The Spirit of God came over me and I felt peace. It was a wonderful feeling. I don't remember feeling that level of peace in my life for a long time. After church I got to thinking about something that was said during our chapel time and the preschool that I work at. She said that God is waiting to hear from us. It doesn't have to be anything big just a simple "Hello" or "I love you". Then I was remembering something that our pastor last night said. He said " How can you have a relationship with someone if you dont' talk to them?" I then began to realize that my prayer life is NOTHING like it once was. The relationship that I loved so much was gone and I didn't even realize it. WOW!!! This post may not ever get read by anyone but me but at least I can look back and remember. If you are reading this Have a blessed and wonderful day in the Lord.

Sowing and Reaping

I am reminded of a verse.
2 Cor. 9:6
But this I say, He which soweth sparingly shall reap also sparingly; and he which soweth bountifully shall reap also bountifully.
Which brings me to another verse which during my reading this morning I found.

Psalm 126:5
They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.

He that sows sparingly shall reap sparingly. Have you noticed that when things are bad you are crying out to God for help and usually (with me) there is a lot of crying. God knows each tear you shed whether it is tears of joy or tears of sadness. How awesome to know that He hears us and He cares enough to know each tear we shed. I can't help but think of all those Christians out there in pain and wondering why this or that is happening to them. Wanting and needing a break of some kind. But instead of turning to the world for answers they are Crying out to God. But now I am reminded of the verse I found this morning that states " They that sow in tears shall reap in joy." With that joy comes a peace as well. How sweet that peace is. So, if you are trevailing and crying but of good cheer for joy comes in the morning. Just know that you are being prayed for. Even if I don't know your name you are on my heart.

Childhood

I was watching my class of 15 3yr. olds and figured out something. Adults are no different really. I mean look at it. We don't just walk up and hit someone because they took our toy away but we do hurt them other ways. If someone says something or does something that we don't like or don't agree with we start "hitting" each other with our words. Words are very dangerous. They can hurt people so badly that they never want to be around you or talk to you anymore. And when things don't go our way we may not actually stomp and throw a fit but you can tell when someone is sulking. They will have this look on their face like you just kicked their dog. They may be smiling on the outside but on the inside they are boiling mad and hurt. I have decided to watch my words. Keeping our words non-hurtful is a good example for my children. I have also noticed that they know when you are not happy. It makes their day not so good either. Just a soapbox that I find myself on sometimes. Probably pertains to no one but me but oh well. At least it is now in writing.

A couple of things

I have been praying for months that God would send me the job that I desire. I mean after all, He said He would give us the desires of our hearts. Well, on Sunday August 19, I was looking through the paper and discovered several different jobs that I fill would fit my gifts and talents. So, on Monday the 20th I called and I had 3 different interviews set up for Wednesday the 22nd. There was one in particular that I thought God really was calling me to. It happened to be the first interview of the day. I walked in and felt God with me. As if He were walking right beside me up the stairs to the office. It was the most comforting feeling I have felt in years. I wasn't nervous or even jittery like I usually get before an interview. Just peaceful. I was sitting there talking to the lady and telling her a little bit about myself and why I felt I should get the job. While in the middle of the interview she started talking about what would be expected of me each day and that is when I realized that she was asking telling me that I had the job. I was sitting there talking to her for an hour and a half and left with a new job. She was asking when I could start and she said that if it was up to her she would send me home to eat some lunch and change into something to play with kids in and have me back that afternoon. I was shocked and in awe. I couldn't believe it. I had a new job. It was a great feeling. The whole way home I was praying and crying and just thanking God for all He had done and was continuing to do in my life. My stress level has gone down tremendously since I started this new job. My voice level has actually gotten better as well. I don't loose me temper as much either.

Each morning we (my class and I) start our day with praise and worship. On fridays we have chapel. It is a wonderful feeling to know that God is a part of this school in every aspect. Have a great and blessed day in the Lord.

Revelation

I have realized something about myself that is not very flattering. I am like a cobra. I strike at anyone I feel is a threat to me. I get very defensive if anyone starts to question the reason as to why I do this or that. I am tired of being on the defensive all the time. If someone has something to say about me oh well. Maybe I am what they said and if so I can learn from it and go on. I will no longer "strike" back. That doesn't help anyone. I will not criticize, condemn, or complain. This is probably for no one but me. But at least it is now documented. Have a great day and keep smiling. It makes your day brighter and you never know who might need to see it.

Hurting

I woke up this morning and I was hurting. It felt like my whole insides were going to bust. My breathing was ragged and the only position that was comfortable was the fetal postition. The only thing that came to mind was a plea. It wasn't really a pray because it sounds so unlike me. I was pleading and whining. Please God take this pain away. After about 20 minutes or so the pain was completely gone. I realized something though. There are a lot of people hurting in this world and not just from physical pain. Their hearts are litterally hurting and they don't know why. It is our job as Christians to show them the way to ease that pain. I can remember being a sinner and how miserable I was. There were times when I thought I was going to die. I am so glad that God through his infinate mercy and grace decided that I was worth saving. There is still time to reach them. That is our job as lights in this dark world.

Spiritual Gifts

I have been chating with this lady at work and she was asking about spiritual gifts, and one would go about finding out what their gifts were. I went online and found her a spiritual gifts test to take. Then I got to thinking, it has been about 4 years since I took a spiritual gifts test so I took one last week. I knew that I had grown stronger in some areas and weakened in others but wasn't for sure which ones. I was amazed to find that Faith instead of helps is my number 1 spiritual gift followed closely by music and then teaching. I was completely shocked to learn that my faith had grown so much. Then God reminded me of last year. Last year we were having a long and hard time of things, but deep down I KNEW that God was there and that everything was going to be taken care of. He would not put more on us then we could handle. I had to stay strong. There was already one of us falling apart. With God's help and strength I was able to stand and be strong knowing that God is on our side, and if God be for you who can be against you? I will never forget what He brought me from to where I am today. I think Him for that each and everyday. There is a song that goes:

Jesus I'll never forget what you've done for me
Jesus I'll never forget how you set me free
Jesus I'll never forget how you brought me out
Jesus I'll never forget, no never.

That is my prayer and my anthem right now. I will never forget.

If

If you could go back to the day that you were saved, what would you differently? Would you do all the things that you have done the same? Me personally, I would do things a little bit differently. I know that there would be changes to my life and maybe that would be acceptable. Sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make an omlet. So they say. Would you change anything and what would it be? For me, I would have continued my journey with the Lord instead of backsliding.